OMG!!!!

He talked to me! He came into my room and pulled at my arm and called me Maga! It's the first word he's spoken since he came home!

I thought he was trying to show me something, but then he just stood there and didn't move. I feel like a new mother when her child says "Momma" for the first time!

Got to Air This Out

I don't know what's going on.

I know, no big surprise coming from me. I mean, I am trapped as the sole caregiver to my semi-catatonic completely deranged and exceedingly dangerous husband. If the neighbors only knew, right?

But he has been on that laptop for a long time. And money is pouring into our account. We're up to $7M! The bank is calling and calling and Steve is no closer to unravelling our mysterious benefactor. But, I think I've found out who it is. The question is how is he doing it?

My husband was part of a program, a special program in the military. I can't say anything -- I barely know anything! -- about it. But he talked about how it would "make him a better soldier." Is this a result of that? They said his body was still working... But how? My husband was a lot of things, but he wasn't very good with investments. We just put money into the TSP and an IRA and that was it. Where is this coming from? How is he doing this?

Mikey's Laptop is Here!

The laptop came today! I got him this sleek little ASUS that CNET said was good. Mikey was actually hovering when I brought it to the table. He didn't even sit in a chair, he just went at it.

It was incredible, and beautiful, and weird all at the same time. For a while, I just pretended it was my husband back doing his thing. He was never that much of a tech guy -- I mean we only have the one laptop -- but he loved to figure things out and he could work forever on a problem. This was like that. I just sat a while and watched him work on it. When I brought a chair over, he sat down, but his fingers never left the keyboard. I tried to see what he was working on, but I couldn't make sense of it. He had about twenty web pages up, from weather to People Magazine.

I'm just glad he's happy.

Rolling in Mystery Money

My checking account has a little over $2M in it. The bank is calling me several times a day to pitch better ways to invest it. I told them to leave it in the checking account. I don't even know what to do with $2M - do I need special paperwork for that much money? What about taxes? What if it isn't mine? Where is it coming from? Aside from food and my husband's laptop, I haven't spent a penny.

Not word from Steve on our mysterious benefactor -- he probably forgot. Guy's a total flake, I can't believe he's the smartest guy on the planet.

Music Therapy

Listened to music today. When through my entire remaining high school CD's and got through the freshman year of college. Trying not to think of the mystery money. Spent some, though. I got Mikey a new laptop of his own, in addition to a freaking boatload of chicken pot pie. He loves that stuff!

I'd love to say that the day-o-tunes had some type of effect on my crazy husband, but sorry to report in the negative. Laptop due in a week -- let's see what that does.

Had a Visitor Today

Steve came to the apartment today. He is the only visitor we have had since Mikey came home. I've told everyone to stay away -- only phone contact. For their own safety, really. And mine, I suppose. I don't want to be caught in the cross-fire, so to speak.

He stood in the hallway and talked in that weird way he has. Sometimes he talks really slow, like he's trying to make sure you understand him. Other times he talks so fast the words all blend together. And the whole time he's looking at you like he's trying to explain relativity to some some poor, befuddled moron. I can't stand it.

But -- and here's the good part -- he found out where the money is coming from. An anonymous account in Switzerland! Isn't that cool? Evidently, whoever owns that account is making a lot of short term investments and directing the proceeds to us!

Yeah, I know -- I feel like Robert Ludlum's ghost is going to walk through the door any second and explain how we're his Bourne Novel from beyond the grave. Steve is trying to get the details of the account -- says there's something different about it's encyrption and he hasn't been able to crack it.

More Money Still Coming In

Another deposit in our account today. Another brokerage firm. It was large. $514K

Yeah, no shit. I'm totally freaking out. Even Steve is having trouble figuring it out.

What in the hell is going on?

Can You Have a Talk When Only One Person is Talking?

I made Mikey seven huge roast beef sandwiches and a giant glass of chocolate milk for lunch and sat next to him while he ate. I talked to him. I don't know if he understood me, but maybe somewhere back in his brain it got filed. One can always hope.

I asked him what he was feeling. I asked him what he wanted for dinner. I asked him to tell me what he was doing on the computer. I asked him if he still loved me. I told him I loved him. I told him I was afraid. I told him I was going crazy. I told him I missed him.

He didn't say anything, of course. He just ate his lunch. Sometimes when he looks at me, I think he's still in there. I imagine him in a prison, locked behind a door waiting for someone to show up with the right key and let him out.

It's agonising, you know? It's only him and me here. I'm the only one in the world, apparently, that he still allows contact. He'll attack anyone else who comes close. It's why the Army was so happy to dump him on me -- afraid he'd kill someone in the hospital. I'm the only one he'll let near him. That's got to mean something, doesn't it? It's got to mean he still loves me, right?

Something Strange Going On

Today was strange. First, Mikey didn't come out of his room. Second, there was a lot of money in our checking account. And I mean A LOT. Way, way more than our regular check.

I got online and it jsut has all of these deposits by different investment firms. I called Steve immediately -- he said it wasn't him. I believe him. Besides, why would he hide it? He'd just call and tell me he was wiring money, if that's what he wanted to do. He said he would look into it.

To be honest, I'm afraid to spend it. What if it's some mistake and Ill be liable for any missing money? But, we really need the money. He's been eating more than usual, lately.

Bath Time

Decided to give Mikey a bath this afternoon.

For those new to the blog, this is an unusual occurrence and has never been initiated my me. Usually, I just find him in the tub, fully clothed, waiting. I turn the water on, he gets wet, then crawls out and strips down. There is no touching -- he doesn't like touching. Sometimes he grabs a towel, but usually he just goes and lays down naked somewhere until he dries off. I leave some clothes out for him and at some point he'll put them on. That's our usual bath time. Today, I tried something different.

He's been so good lately, I decided to try initiating the bath. I actually started the water, got it warm, and called to him to come and take a bath. And he came! He jumped in with his clothes on, but, hey, it's a start!

Are There Financial Angels?

There's money in the account and we don't get paid for another week.

I have no idea what's going on. I've called everyone I know, none of them sent it.

Was it you, Army? Someone over there feeling guilty for what you've done?

Well, regardless, food is on it's way -- thank God for Schwann's and grocery delivery services, that's all I've got to say. And to whoever sent us the money -- thank you.

It's Official -- We're Broke!

The last of our savings is gone. Checking account is empty and the credit card is maxxed. We've got nothing until the 30th when the next check comes -- that's 11 days from now. We've only got about three day's worth of food left. I cried when I went over the balance. He just looked at me -- blank stare as always. What is going to happen when the food runs out?

He was on the computer all night again last night. Still no idea what he's doing.

Good Day

We had a good day today!

I got out a DVD and watched a movie -- Love, Actually. But the crazy thing is, he came out and watched it with me. Just sat next to me and watched the whole thing! I made him lunch -- about a half dozen PB&J and a bag of Cheetos (his favorite) -- and he sat and ate it. Like a person! I was so thrilled, I made him chocolate milk instead of regular.

I put in another movie (Raiders of the Lost Ark, one of his favorites), and he laid his head in my lap and watched it. I was shocked! He's barely let me touch him since he came home. I ran my fingers through his hair and we just watched the movie until he fell asleep.

What happened to him... I don't know. But something's left in there. I don't care what they say -- my husband is still in there somewhere.

He was on the Computer

He sat in his room for three days. He didn't even eat. He still hasn't. I can hear his stomach growling.

I didn't leave me room for a day after the incident. I heard him meowling and I jsut put the pillow over my ears and tried to ignore it. After a while he got quiet. The next day, I got the courage to go back out there -- besides, I was starving. Lord knows how his stomach was.

I don't know what set him off. The yelling? Insulting Bush? He didn't like him when he stil ahd his brain, don't know why it would set him off now. Fact is, I've ghave no idea. But he stayed in his room until last night. I heard him get out and turn the computer on. He was on it the entire night, typing. Constantly typing. I checked it this morning -- no new documents.

Was he just typing on the keys? Some old memory trying to reassert itself? I wish I knew how much of him was left in there.

I'm Scared

He was so fast! God, I'm still shaking. I was jsut like a doll. I knew he was strong, but I had no idea. Jesus!

I was yelling at him and he just GOD, he was so fast! I didn't see him move -- I was just up in the air against the wall. He was looking at me like I was a bug. Like he was trying to decide to squash a bug. He... what am I going to do? He was going to kill me. He was...

If I leave what would he do? Would he catch me and bring me back or would he just sit here crying until someone fed him? How many people would he kill before they stopped him? Why is this happening? How cna this be happening?

He Likes the Computer!

I can't believe it!

He was curled up on the floor after his snack/feast and I was sitting on the couch with my laptop and he looked up and made the crying sound. I oculdn't believe he was still hungry, so I said "Eat?" and made the sign and he shook his head. It was the first time he'd ever done that. I started pointing at other things in the room and he just shook his head. Then he pointed! He pointed! He wanted my laptop. I patted the couch next to me but he shook his head. I gave him the laptop and he surfed the net until the battery ran out -- then he fell asleep.

I didn't know what to do. I was stunned. I was so happy I cried. He's surfing the web and tears were running down my face and I had all of these thoughts that he would just look up and talk to me. That he'd come out of it. But, alas, he didn't.

Still -- he did something that wasn't just sleep and eat. That's a victory, right?

Almost at Zero $

We have $50 left in the checking account and we don't get paid until the 15th. We'll live off of the credit card, I guess, but how will we pay that off?

I can't believe how much he eats! That binge the other night is now the norm. When he gets hungry he cries like a little kitten -- these faint mewling cries. It's heartbreaking! But he eats so much -- we can't afford it! I don't know what to do. Thought about calling Callan -- he's rich now -- ask him fo rmoney. But it just doesn't feel right. When he talks to me it's like -- I don't know -- like he's talking to a puppy or something. It's weird. He's weird. But he's rich and maybe we shouldn't be so proud...

How Broke Can You Get Before You're Poor?

We are running out of money. The disability covers rent and not much else. A two bedroom apartment get's pretty small when no one was supposed to live in the second bedroom!

I thougth boredom would be my biggest issue -- after all, how much TV can you watch? But it turns out, it's food. They warned me he would need to eat -- said just because his mind was turned off, didn't mean his body was. I thought they were full of BS -- until my catatonic husband was up and walking into the kitchen at 2AM ransacking the fridge! He ate everything raw -- eggs, chicken, milk, fruit -- everything! I just stood there and watched -- I couldn't believe it. That was when I realized just what was happening to us. How deep we were really in it.

All I could do was cry. I should have been thrilled -- he was standing and moving and eating! -- but he didn't know me and he didn't care. He just shoved everything into his mouth and when he was done, he went back to sleep on the kitchen floor. He's still there now -- he's too heavy for me to move.

That was over $200 in groceries in one shot. I don't know when he'll get hungry again. God, what is going to happen to us? We can't afford $200 in groceries every day...

Yeah, my Blog Color scheme is BLACK!

Since I'm now trapped in my house all day, every day (probably for the rest of my life), I decided to start a blog. You know, keep in touch with the outside world, have a pretend one-way conversation. Maybe -- just maybe -- find someone who knows what it's like to be me.

What's it like? Good question! Well, my husband came back from the war two months ago -- 64 days, to be exact. They only let me see him 40 days ago and I was able to brng him home 35 days ago. Only it's not really my husband who I brought home -- it's what's left of him. Something happened to him -- and the bastards still won't tell me what! -- and now, he's just not there anymore. Literally, his mind is totally gone. And to top it all off -- they won't help. Nothing. Nada. So we sit here -- all day and all night -- and I watch him. Alone.

I'd love to tell you why, but I had to sign fifty billion waivers to get him back and I won't give them an excuse to take him away again.

I can't leave him and I can't work. He's a vegetable most of the time. And for those who think the military pension is something you can live off of -- it's not. Not even with full disability (at least they gave us that).

So, you know, my Blog is black. Maybe when things look up I'll change it to rose or something. And, no, I don't want your pity and keep your "depression" talk to yourselves. Sometimes you jsut need to wallow in it for a while and feel sorry for yourself. If that's too much for you, then to bad.